There is a silence where hath been no sound, there is a silence where no sound may be, in the cold grave -- under the deep, deep sea. There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.
My cat Tom got really sick again. He kept having complications with his bladder, which resulted in him straining to pee or having blood in his urine. When I took him to the vet the first time, they gave me meds and said if it doesn't clear up, bring him back to them for another option. I kinda waved my hand at it once I got home, though, and he dutifully started to get better and was back to swinging his dick around. Y'know, figuratively.
Well, two days ago, Tom's condition worsened really suddenly. He wouldn't respond to me, or purr, and he wouldn't eat or drink. I gave him the medicine all day, and just kept checking on him, but by the next morning I had to rush him to the vet again 'cause he had collapsed and was cold to the touch. The doctor wasn't very kind, and upfront told me if I had the money to either give Tom surgery or put him to sleep. What the fuck is that?!
The surgery is $900.00 and isn't necessary according to the internets. Tom has a UTI and while surgery makes it easier for him to pee, it won't fix his problem. I even asked a second opinion from the other doctor who's in practice at the vet where Tom is staying, and she confirmed the same thing (just was nicer about it). After butting heads with the doctor that's treating Tom, he agreed to keep Tom there for 3 days while they flush his system out and monitor him.
Now, I mentioned how alpha male my Tom is. He won't listen to me unless he wants to, and he especially doesn't take kindly to being forced into doing something he didn't sign on for. When I tried to give him his meds, I wrapped him in a towel to keep from thrashing and he ended up punching a goddamn hole through it. Well, true to his nature, Tom absolutely despised the catheter they stuck up his little pee hole. So he ripped it out during the night. And this is while he's wearing the collar to keep him from twisting around. The vet called me and told me about it, absolutely shocked, but I was silently cheering him on 'cause that meant he was feeling better. That's how hardcore my cat is!
When I visited him, he was meowing really loudly and so happy to see me. He kept trying to roll onto his back so I could rub his belly, but the collar and the IV in his paw stopped him. It broke my heart to have to leave him there, and I feel really pitiful that he's been there (almost!) three days and all I do is think about him. But he's my boy! It feels like there's something missing in my house. I guess it's true you never realize how good you have something until it's gone, because I never realized how much I interacted with him as much as I do. I'm just glad he's going to get better.
This has been the single most awful week in a couple months. I was really annoyed that everything bad had to occur right on my birthday, because it really did take away from me being happy. Ontop of Tom almost dying, my sister has raised a huge shitstorm and I think it's because of me.
See, the thing with my sister is she's really insecure. Couple that with the fact she's bi-polar and manic and batshit crazy, and well... she's a quite the molotav cocktail. I knew she was headed for a meltdown over how she reacted to MY reaction about Tom. Naturally, I cried like a little girl and went to my mom for comfort. My sister kept butting in and being snarky and overall dismissive.
On my actual birthday, my mom had to tell me that she wouldn't be giving me any presents that day because my sister was being unreasonable and threatening to take the kids away because nobody appreciated her. I'm not sure of how she handled damage control, but by the time we did my birthday cake and everyone was singing, my sister started singing really loudly over everyone how I was ugly and my clothing smelled like shit or something. Cue a what the fuck? I'm not sure how I instigated all this malice from my own sister, but it's really hard to deal with.
After the cake was dealt, and I wandered off to go watch TV, my sister followed me and lamented on her life and how she was going to start becoming an alcoholic. I just dismissed her and told she was acting stupid and I didn't want to talk her, but she kept hounding me about it. To the point where she even left TWO Facebook messages on my wall, for everyone to see, about how she wanted to become an alcoholic. Yeah, yeah, it may be extreme sarcasm, but the entire topic really annoys me. I'm torn between loyalty to my sister and overall annoyance at what she's become and how she treats me.
I realized that the reason I hate attention and events centered around me is because of her. I know it doesn't take a psychologist to figure that out, but this is really eye opening to me now that I gave it some thought. I've always hated my birthdays, or graduations, or just anything that had to do with me doing well and people being happy for me. It always felt wrong and made me awkward and that's because I was raised to believe it was wrong, which is a terrible thing. I kind of hate my sister for it because I don't know how to really make myself 'un-shy' to people paying attention to me now.
Here's my birthday horoscope. It's disheartening to see that every astrology thing I read about March 4th is how hard my life is, but apparently I'll reproduce a diamond with all this hard work.
At times life may seem to be a battlefield to the courageous and iconoclastic Pisces born on March 4. They seem to attract upheaval and chaos. Yet this destabilization gives them their perspective. They may practice an intellectual or spiritual discipline to express their true nature.
Pisces Information for March 4
You should embrace: Mastery, self-knowledge, astrology
You should avoid: Going to extremes, deliberation, blaming others
Friends and Lovers
People born on this date are cautious when choosing people to trust. They usually have a small but loyal group of friends and are apt to discourage casual acquaintances. Their love life is often intense. They are attracted to people who share their love of spontaneity.
Children and Family
March 4 people often experience turmoil in their childhood years. Before they can become successful parents, they need to put their house in order. When they deal with issues from their past, they have an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and begin again.
Health
March 4 natives experience frequent ups and downs in health matters, which are usually related to their indifference. Although they have boundless energy, they sometimes overtax themselves.
Career and Finances
People born on this date have nervous energy and are rarely comfortable in sedentary, nine-to-five jobs. They favor a career where every day is different. Although they have a reputation for playing fast and loose with money, they have good instincts.
Dreams and Goals
These people have an all-or-nothing mentality. If they cannot reach the highest goals they set, they may not be interested in attempting anything. The challenge that awaits them is to work toward their lofty ambitions while pursuing reachable goals.
So, I got Bioshock 2 from Bryan for my birthday. I don't normally play the 'pew pew' games but it's a lot of fun (when I'm not being scared shitless). Well, the only thing that REALLY scares me are these mutants called Spider Splicers, and they crawl on the walls and just kind of chill there like decoration. Or else they leap on me and pull my Big Daddy down to his knees. Or they throw pirate hooks at me. I think?
Just last night, I went into an orphanage and then all the lights went out, but I heard crazy laughter and the mutants were running out of the beam of my flash light so it was hard to focus where they were going. I re-traced my steps and was almost out of the place when I glanced at the walls, and there were 3 of them just hanging there!
That picture isn't nearly as scary as when you actually fight one, or see one hanging on the wall, but I honestly couldn't find a clear picture on Google. Um, hm. I think I'll write later. It's 3pm and I haven't even showered or eaten yet. I've just been cold and miserable and reading a book in bed.
This is so awesome that it deserves it's own spot. Vanessa made a poem about me, and it's made me get the vapors and fan myself because I love it so much! I'm just amazed because she's a great writer and she was able to capture such a strong part of my personality. I have such great and talented friends :')
This is also impressive because I think this is a departure from how she normally writes. Vanessa likes to rhyme which is something I'm terrible at doing at the risk of sounding like I'm from Sesame Street.
Oh, Calliope
for sarah
Calliope, she sits
with her tablet on her thighs
she cocks her head
she hears our cries
she smiles slyly
and invites us with her eyes
to try again
We have our paper and our pen
Our quill and ink and type
We have decided this is when
we will gird our loins and try again
To write
And we will write until we stiffen
We will write until we go blind
We will write until we are nocturnal
We will write until we petrify
We will lose our hope and then
We will try to write again
When we are no longer breathing
When we are six feet beneath
Our fingers, they will twitch
And we will yell our grief
Because we love that cold hard bitch
And even then, we will want a pen
And Calliope, she sits
with her tablet on her thighs
she cocks her head
she hears our cries
she smiles slyly
and invites us with her eyes
to try again
Sometimes I think about saving money, and making a nest egg, because that's what I imagined everybody does. As I grow older, though, I don't see anyone like that. I see grand-parents moving back in with their sons and daughters, and sons and daughters moving back in with their parents. I see people marrying young to military guys so they can get extra benefits. Then I see me and fear I'll be living paycheck to paycheck forever, but that's not true. I actually saved so much money when I was single and working, as opposed to living with a lot of people. Funny how that works out in retrospect.
Things have been going okay. For the longest period of time, ever since I've moved away, I've been pretty stable. I haven't had to worry about bills, or when my next meal will be, or if my boyfriend is cheating on me. Suffice it to say, things have been so stable that I'm bored out of my mind. I guess this is what a normal life is like? I don't think I'm cut out for routine and easy living, and white picket fences.
Contrary to my reclusive nature, I really like a fast paced and chaotic lifestyle full of people and responsibilities. Otherwise I just become withdrawn and take up my position as an oracle on the mountain. That is to say I'm really hard to get ahold of and even harder to talk to, because I'm so far away from society. My poor friends. You'd think it would be 'woe be me' in this situation, but I don't feel sorry for myself. I find my company to be okay, and it's not like I'm ever completely alone. I talk to my friends on the phone, or online, if I can't make it out to see them for the weekend, or happy hour Thursdays.
It amazes me how well-liked I am to people, to the point people readily accept my weird behavior as endearing and treat me like a special snowflake. This was brought up to me the other day when I was talking to a friend of mine about how his attitude in the group sometimes makes people angry. He acts like he doesn't care, or is too good to be doing anything with us, which immediately sets a chain reaction and puts other people in a bad mood. I swear, it's like my friends all have their period at the same time, or are just drama queens. I replied to him that sometimes people think I'm really bitchy because I'm quiet and do things my own way, but he told me that wasn't true and that everyone loves me. I just don't see it.
I don't know if it's ignorance, self-esteem, or humility keeping me from seeing my worth sometimes.
With that being said, for now, my blog isn't going to have comments anymore. I appreciate your thoughts but it's a personal thing about having comments displayed and whatever for all the world to see. I think it takes away from the whole 'journaling' aspect. I have an outlet for praise and adoration at GGS (which I don't get enough of!), and I don't need it in my personal site.
However, I am actually looking for a pen pel. A long time ago, when I was a wee lass of 16yrs old, I had a best friend who lived all the way in Norway. I still think about her a lot, although she's been lost in time and she's even harder to track down than I am. I still keep all of the art she sent me. She was a dragon and I was a wolf.
If you're interested in writing to me then I'd really like that. I'm thinking of maybe making it a weekly thing, because I tend to procrastinate (and I don't want to pressure you, of course!) and once a week means there must be some kind of event or thought you'd like to talk about. Just send me an email to Vehementi@live.com.
My cat Thomas got really sick this past week. Cue me freaking out like a mother hen.
He's had this urinary tract problem since May of 2009, but it would pass in a day or two. He'd basically spend his time licking his wedding tackle, and then he'd get over it, so I'd forget that apparently a cat UTI CAN KILL HIM!!! How the hell can my little man die from something puny like that? I scoff at the notion. But there he was, laying on the floor and crying in pain, leaving little piss puddles down my hallway.
So, I stayed up all night, being a sniffly little girl. I couldn't help it. It was 3am and the vet wasn't open until 7am, and all I'm worried about is how can I possibly afford a trip to the vet when I only have $136.00 to my name. I was imagining Bonanza having to get used to another cat if Tom passed away. Yeah, I could just not adopt another cat (two is really hard to manage as is), but I can't leave 'Nanza by himself. He loves Tom's company, and they wrestle and do their cat things when I'm away at work. Like light farts or something. I don't know.
When I bring Tom to the vet, in a tiny cat carrier 'cause it's all I had, he immediately forgot he was on death's door. He got out of the cage and pranced around, loving the admiration and general clucking of adoration from the staff. That goddamn cat of mine. The doctor then proceeded to show me how I can squeeze Tom's bladder in case he gets blocked up again (which was ew), and she was surprised at how Tom was all muscle. See, Thomas is a really big cat, and he has this flab underneath his tummy that'll mislead you into thinking he's soft and doughy. The cat is really powerful, as I'll detail here in a paragraph that'll rival the Robocop script.
So, I get the bill and immediately feel an ulcer coming on 'cause it was $190.00. I paid half and promised to come back with the rest because I had to wait for the cable guy (I didn't have to wait for the cable guy). Yeah, I stiffed them, but c'mon! I don't get paid for another week and I need that $90.00. I asked my mom but she's just as equally broke because my family can't budget.
I get home and my mom and I administer the medicine and some pain killer, both in a syringe, because Tom won't eat wet food and will catch on that there's a pill in his food dish. It went okay and he conked out, and I'm actually kind of eyeing the pain medication myself because I'm curious as to what it'd do to me. Later on that day, however, I had to give him his medicine again. Here's where it gets scary.
Tom bounced back fast, because he's a furry Spartan, so he was throwing his weight around and being alpha. I knew I was going to have problems with him, so I tied a towel around his body like a straight-jacket in order to keep him from thrashing around. The moment I pried his mouth open to give him the medicine, no joke, he punched through the towel! It was totally a Terminator moment and I, of course, screamed and gave up.
Ever since then I've managed some stealth tactics to get the medicine in him. Usually waiting when he's half asleep or laying on his back, and then I pry his mouth open really fast and keep the syringe a few inches away while I squirt it down his throat as fast as I can. My FPS skills are paying off in the real world!
Speaking of games, I've finally completed Assassin's Creed 2. It's not like I started months ago or anything. I go into games and fads much like a foreign country -- which means a few months too late. I devoted much of my week to playing as much as I could, and because I'm easily fanatical I have since written a Plot guide and FAQ for GGS. I feel like something's really missing from it, but then I gave it some thought, and realized the game itself was rather short and didn't explain much. It was a sequel in a trilogy -- it serves only as a stepping stone. I tried to instead parallel actual events and people, but there's not many. Aside from the Pope being a vicious bastard, and the Medici family being attacked.
I really want to get Heavy Rain and Final Fantasy 13, though. I realized (too late) that Heavy Rain is made by the same company as Indigo Prophecy, which is a game that I really like. I even remember watching a trailer for Heavy Rain back in 2006, and it had a CGI actress doing a 'scene' from the game, as if she was auditioning for a part. Oh wow, I totally found it. My memory is boss.
And here's the trailer for Heavy Rain. I love really emotional games!
Let's see. I'm really way too tired to be writing right now. I realized that by neglecting my journal, I was kind of screwing myself over in the long run because what would I have to look back on? Even if it's my own mediocre life at the age of 23. At least it'd look better than my mediocre life at 30. That stupid Assassin's Creed game has made me all thoughtful about records and legacies.
I took a personal holiday. It went well. I seem to have this thing where I like to disappear from the public eye -- actually, scratch that. I like to just disappear from everyone's radar. I'm not sure why I do that, it's not like I'm a celebrity and the demanding of the peasants are too much, but I just get bored with things. To quoteth Karma Chamelon I come and go. Despite my disappearing act, I actually do think about the blogs and things I do online. In my case, absence makes the heart go fonder.
I've been trying to compile a huge Metal Gear Solid summary for GGS and it's doing quite the dichotamy for me. The wind's in my sails but it's also making me procrastinate. It's just so much stuff and, truth be told, my memory's very fuzzy on minute details. As I'm sure it's fuzzy for other MGS gamers (because the games are so talky). Speaking of games, I've gotten my incredibly anti-gaming niece into playing Fable: The Lost Chapters. Excuse the linkage because I just now noticed that this geek actually has a running commentary as he plays, and it's giving me incredible second-hand embarassement coupled with annoyance. Anyway, she hates video games because her brother is a bonafide shut-in who just plays World of Warcraft and watches anime on Youtube. Not that I'm much better. Excuse me while I stare off into the distance and cough awkwardly.
I'm going to geek out and say right now that I really like this game. I've been known to fangirl for several types of games, as those who know me best can attest. But there's something about Fable that I enjoy in the deepest cockles of my heart. You know that feeling you get when you think about a loved one, and your heart gets fluttery and you have warm thoughts go through your head? I'm sad to say that's how I feel about this game. And often when I love and cherish something, I don't show it and keep it to myself (because it's my precious!), so that's why I never speak about Fable outloud.
So, I believe the reason I'm updating and staying up so late is because I'm snowed in and I haven't had any human contact in about a day. I have all this energy to spend and nothing to do. I do have some happy news to share, though. I'm likely getting something around $8,000 from my tax return. Cue me thinking there's a huge mistake, but that's what it said and what the TurboTax people confirmed, so I hope the IRS won't reject me! My hopes and dreams can't take a squashing.